I didn't think I'd have to do this a second time. I thought I'd tell you how to stop being so shit, you'd listen, and we could finally be happy with our medical staff. THEN COMMAND FUCKED UP OUR SUPPLIES, HALF OF US QUIT IN PROTEST, AND NOW YOU DICKHEADS HAVE FUCKED IT UP AGAIN! With that in mind, you have forced me to present Tracee Parker's Complete Medical Guide for Crewcut Fucks: Abusive Boogaloo.
So sit down, shut the fuck up, stop eating crayons and remember the golden rule: YOU ARE A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL AND EVERYONE ELSE IS AN IDIOT WHO CANNOT BE TRUSTED.
- Quick Clot no longer cures internal bleeding (IB), it now just stops it while the drug is in the system.
- Peridaxon no longer cures organ damage, just stops it, same as QC.
- Marines are too dumb to use advanced kits.
- Advanced kits, bandages, and ointments all have more uses.
- Medics role is to stabilise marines and treat wounds. Major damage (missing limbs, more broken bones than not, internal bleeding, organ damage) all go to the doctors.
Your weapon remains the same. That shit hasn't changed. My personnal recommendation is a shotgun with a gyro and a mag harness. Mag harness is mandatory because you'll only be carrying one weapon, and a gyro helps you drag wounded while fighting. Shotguns because shotguns are dope. If PFCs have taken all the gyros, get an SMG or tell your SL not to expect too much fighting out of you.
With these changes, Peridaxon and QC are less important, but still need to be taken. You can't just stasis bag everyone and call it a day. Start the same as always: Webbing, lifesaver bag, satchel, medkit pouch, medical pouch.
Your satchel should contain: Two defibs, two advanced medical kits, and a medkit with stasis bags. Defibs are always useful. It's harder to bring marines back from the death completely now, but it does set their revival timer. The advanced medical kits come with advanced trauma kits (ATKs) and advanced burn kits (ABKs), which have 10 uses each, heal infections, stop bleeding, and heal considerable amounts of damage instantly. As much as I FUCKING HATE THEM, stasis bags are very useful. If a marine comes to you so fucked up that there's no way in hell they'll make it to the shuttle, put them in a stasis bag. If a marine comes to you with a single broken bone and you stasis them, I will hunt you down and shove my shotgun so far up your ass your teeth will be replaced with buckshot. The reason you take so many isn't because you can use them all the time, it's because you will use them and never get them back. Doctors are dickheads.
Your lifesaver bag should have the following changes from default: Remove the kelotane autoinjectors, the dylovene injectors, the bandages, and the ointments. Replace with two bicard pill bottles, two kelotane pill bottles, a dexalin pill bottle, an inaprovaline pill bottle, an extra burn and trauma kit, and a splint. These should all be fairly self explanatory.
(this picture is slightly out of date and will be updated shortly)
In your webbing: Peridaxon pills, spaceacillin pills, and whatever. I like a hypospray, or whatever concoction medical has brewed up, like Keloderm, big bicard, or QC pills. (PS if Medical gives you QC pills, you can get rid of your QC autoinjectors to replace with more ATKs, ABKs, or pills)
Medical Pouch: Two tramadol pill bottles and your health scanner. Painkillers and a scanner. I shouldn't have to explain this, moving on.
Medkit Pouch: Advanced First Aid Kit. MORE KITS! MORE SPLINTS! MORE TRICORD!
Now, I assume you all know which medicines heal what, so we’ll skip that. I have neither the patience nor crayons to explain that to you, so just read this: wiki/Guide_to_Medicine#Medicine.
First of all, there should only be one medic treating a marine at a time. Too many medics on one patient leads to those tricordrazine overdoses we’ve been trying to avoid. Drag your patients away from other medics. If you must work with another medic, COMMUNICATE. Tell them which drugs you are putting in, or you will overdose them. Ideally, one of you will treat with trauma packs and burn kits, while the other handles drugs. Privates, if you’ve made it this far into the guide without getting bored: DO NOT SELF TREAT WITH DRUGS. Bandage your bleeding wounds and give yourself a tram injection, but don’t eat floor pills, don’t grab trico injectors off the ground. We’re the ones who barely get paid to treat you, so don’t fuck it up for us.
A medic's job is to either stabilise long enough to get them to the shuttle, or treat minor wounds to get marines back into the fight. Your main duty here is to decide what is and is not worth an evacuation, then get them to that evac. If they don't need an evac, give them the right pills and a slap on the butt.
Severe organ damage resulting in high (my rule of thumb is 50ish) oxy damage.
3 or more broken bones.
OFFER AN EVAC:
2 or more broken bones.
Slight organ damage.
Broken ribs, pelvis, or skull. (This could lead to organ damage if their splints break)
A medic in the middle of a crisis.
One broken bone.
Just because they have internal bleeding or organ damage doesn't mean you need to put them in a cryobag. That's why we carry quick clot and peridaxon. Put the medicine in them and send them on their way. If they need to be dragged, get a PFC to do it. You're too important to be bothered with menial labour.
If they don't need an evac, use pills as much as possible. Your ATKs and ABKs are reserved for...
Right, let’s get the basic shit out of the way. The defib will bring marines back to life if they are below 200 damage. Each hit with the defib heals about 5 damage. If the defib says that your patient is braindead, MOVE ON. They’re dead, gone, bleeding demised, pushing up the daisies, they are an ex-marine. No amount of defibrillator can help them now. Remember to take the armour off. You don't need to strip them completely, just their armour. And if you zap them too much, their heart will take too much damage and you won't be able to revive them at all. That shouldn't happen if you follow this guide, but keep it in mind.
RIGHT! A PFC drags a marine in from the front. He’s dead. Time to get to work. First, scan them. You need to know what you’re dealing with. If they are close to or below 200 damage already, hit them with the defib. There is only a certain amount of time we have to work with the defibrillator, and it resets if they’re brought back, even for a second. If your patient comes back, then immediately dies again, you’ve still done something very valuable in resetting that timer. Now comes the actual treatment.
If their damage is ABOVE 200, use your ATKs and ABKs to bring the damage below 200. If you STILL can't get it below 200, you have two options. The first is a field amputation. Grab the nearest knife, bayonet, or machete and hack of a badly damaged limb. I think this is kinda crude, but it gets the job done. But it can also turn a potential revived fighter into a guaranteed evac. The second is to KEEP ZAPPING THEM. The defib heals a little bit of damage every hit, and it removes oxy damage.
Unless it is burn damage, treat a defibbed marine as an evac case. Put enough drugs in him to stabilise, use peridaxon and QC if you think they have organ damage and internal bleeding respectively, give them some inaprov to try and stop them from dying on the way back, defib them, and send them to the Alamo. Also splint their Head, Groin, and Chest if you think they're broken.
If you see them die in front of you, you can skip resetting the timer. No need to reset the timer if you know the timer has only just started.
Behaviour on the field
Remember, you are better than everyone, especially the other medics. Let them know it.
The most vital thing to remember is that you are not there to fight. Your gun is to protect you if shit hits the fan. Don’t run out to join a firing line. Stay in cover, don’t wander too far from the others. If possible, attach yourself to a smartgunner so they can protect you.
Communicate with the medical staff on the Almayer about what sort of injuries you have coming up. This is technically the PO’s job, but they’re notoriously bad at it. The doctors need to know if they need to print new limbs, get the rollers to the door, or prepare extra medicine. It also helps if they like you, because they give you cool shit like keloderm and peridex+.
When shit hits the fan and you’re up to your waist in dying marines, don’t panic. Work on a priority system.
Medics > Squad Leaders and Specialists > Smartgunners > Engineers > PFCs > Command Staff.
If you have wounded medics, get them on their feet ASAP. They can help you. Squad leaders and specialists have things that make big boom, so get them stable and don’t let them die. Same with the smartgunners. If shit has hit the fan, your engineers aren’t going to have much time to set up defenses, so really they’re about equal with the PFCs. Command Staff is last because fuck command.
Remember, you don’t need to get everyone to 100%. Once they’re stable, you can turn to work on others. The important thing is to stop people from going braindead. Once everyone is alive, then you can get to work on getting them back in the fight.
Finally, you shouldn’t be dragging wounded back to the shuttle for evac. That is a PFC job. You need to stay there to treat people. Give the PFC a roller bed, and send them on their way. Threats of violence should move the process along.
Now, my medical license is drawn in crayon on a piece of cardboard I ripped off the side of a cereal box, and yet somehow I'm better than most of you. So let's iron some basic shit out.
First of all, you're all so slow... what the fuck? Goddamn, I've seen smarter boots. And I mean actual footwear, not the marines. Seriously. Combine surgeries into a single operation. IB, ruptured lung, and bone repair? IMS > Saw > Retractor > ATK > Fix-O-Vein > Bone Gel > Bone Gel > Retractor > Bone Setter > Cautery. Keep the scan open in your HUD off to the side somewhere. Reopening it costs you valuable seconds. Don't put all the tools in a massive pile. Sorting through them is a pain and takes time. Either leave them where they are, or better, put them in a backpack you can keep open.
Your HUDs were recently updated to auto include scans. Just look at a guy and you can pull up their most recent scan. You don't need to print. Don't ignore injured in the beds just because they don't have scans. On that note, SCAN EVERYONE. Marines are dumb and cannot be trusted to diagnose themselves.
Wear your masks and caps. Wash your hands after every surgery. Don't smoke in the operating theatres, you fucking idiots.
Now with all that basic stuff I REALLY SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU out of the way, let's get to some more valuable stuff, like what drugs us medics like.
QC pills are AWESOME. One bottle of QC pills will set us for a whole op. But as the more inept of you might say "WE CAN'T MAKE QC!", well, you're not wrong, but you are stupid. Take the QC autoinjectors out of vendors and syringe the contents into a beaker. If you're the chemist, get one of the other doctors to do it while you make other stuff. We also like 20u bicard for large wounds, Keloderm for extreme burns, tricord/bicard mixes for fast brute healing. These aren't hard to make. Here's another guide (viewtopic.php?f=94&t=15472&sid=0843ffa9 ... faa7cadcf0) about making chems. It's a bit outdated, but the recipes are still damn good.
If someone comes in with an OD, don't panic, don't give up, and don't let the new guy handle it. I have seen doctors try to treat tricord ODs with dylovene and inaprovaline, creating more ODs. Seriously, stop. Grab the (probably) dead marine and put him in the sleeper and activate dialysis. This will drain all the chemicals (good and bad) from his blood. Then give him the required drugs (usually dylovene and tricordrazine) and defib. Once the marine is stable, take the beaker out of the sleeper, empty it on the floor, and put it back.
And for the last fucking time doctors, stop taking surgery tools from other surgeries unless shit has hit the fan. You slow down surgery, and also you're breaking the law and will be arrested for all sorts of nasty shit. And I might break your legs.
Congratulations! You finished reading this guide and are now hopefully a good enough medic! Or you skipped to the end, and you’re an idiot. The important thing is, there’s now no excuse.
-Tracee <3 XOXOXOXOXO
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